Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
