She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
