I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
