Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Randomize
