did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
