Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
