I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize