Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
