Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
