I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
