Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
