Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
