i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Randomize
