I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
