I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
