Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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