Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Randomize
