Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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