I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
