i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Randomize
