I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
