im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I AM VODKA MAN
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
