just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
