Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
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