Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
