she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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