I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
