so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
