No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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