Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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