the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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