I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
