Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
