It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
