Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
