I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
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