My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
