Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize