Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
