No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
