At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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