Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
you made out with another girl for some wings
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
