we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
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