if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Banned from zoo.
Again?
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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