Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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