U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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