Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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