I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
