i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
