I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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