I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
