I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Is Oprah even human
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
