i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
