Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
