So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize