I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
It all started with a game of naked twister.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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