I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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