If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
