I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
