I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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