she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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