I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
