wat bout pragnant strippers??
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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