You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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