All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
